Killed Monk


Killedmonk. I know what you're thinking. First, how did you come up with such a name? Second, why on earth would you call yourself Killedmonk?!? I can envision the look on your face as soon as you mindlessly crossed my profile. It's strange, it's abnormal, It's... Unique. And that's critical. I will explain why that is--later. It all began in my Introduction to Buddhism Course at Saint Mary's College of California. I affiliated myself to the Buddhist concepts of spirituality, mindfulness, meditation, etc. I found the ideas fascinating. However, on the corner of Mckinley & Bancroft sits a small Buddhist Monastery that would change my life. It was January 16th 2018. In a few days I would be releasing my first music album Major Drum Instinct on MLK day. My mind couldn't stop reviewing changes to make prior to its release on this particular morning. Anyhow, it was a cold damp overcast morning and I arrived at 9am. Inside, it felt dark, yet bright by the altar where a beautiful statue of Buddha stood. A monk stood near the light and greeted us all individually as we arrived. As he greeted me, I felt comforted by his presence. He was calm, non-worrisome, and, most importantly, Present. He spoke to us about his day-to-day activities. From what I remember, he woke up at 4am and meditated for 2-3 hours. Next, he would eat a small breakfast for 1 hour. Then his responsibilities varied, however, in most cases he tended to the garden outside the Monastery and trimmed each individual blade of grass which would take 1-2 hours. After his tasks he would nap for 1-2 hours. Once he woke up from his nap he would eat a very small lunch and then meditate again for 2-3 hours. Eventually he would go to bed at 8pm and repeat this process over again. I was struck by his story. And most of all his happiness. There was a demeanor of honesty and acceptance. He was joyful and seemed to really care for himself and us. A man without fortune, yet, and I'm willing to say this, one of the happiest people I've ever met in my life. Returning from the Monastery I transitioned out of the euphoric experience and put my mind to focus on the newest album I was set to release. Rushing day in and day out after class, I would go to work on an album that meant the world to me but absolutely nothing to anyone else. I was ignorant to the fact how awful it was. Because all that mattered to me, at the time, was that I was attempting to leave my voice, my opinions, my philosophies, my ideas in music form. As something that was proof that I was here. I was doing it to feel special. However, the result was unsatisfying. I felt letdown, bitter, and angry. I felt as though I failed once again as I have felt all my life. Things out of my control were dictating my emotions. In other words, I was battling control of myself. This feeling of letdown & frustration has been a culprit of my life for a very long period of time. Rooted since the beginning of when I was a young boy. I always wanted to be the best at something--but never was. After graduating in 2018 I began my journey of working across professional sporting organizations in the Bay Area. In the two years outside of graduation, I couldn't land a full-time job to get myself out of Half Moon Bay. I felt like a loser coming back home from college. I organized myself into 5 jobs at one time to gather as much experience as possible to ensure I land the next available full-time position. But I could never garner a strong connection with my managers. Let alone, connect with them from an intellectual standpoint. In other words, I didn't fit in. I couldn't withstand the constant failure I was experiencing over and over again. It felt as though I could never catch a break of any good news. Prior to losing my job, due to the pandemic, I was ready to walk out the door and try something new. Suddenly I went from non-stop work to having nothing on my plate. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. But I needed a change. Then one day, as I was organizing my computer, I came across old beats I made and my Major Drum Instinct album. I was shocked. I couldn't believe how elaborate the album was. It was as if in that very moment I was actually present. It was beautiful. It was mine. It was me. It was as though I found myself again. Despite how horrible the album was, the fact I was giving an effort to be myself to the world was mesmerizing and inspiring. And now comes the message of how I got to where I am now. I would never have guessed I would be writing a blog about my journey to finding self-acceptance and letting go of the persistent cravings for things to be different from how they are. Every moment we have a choice in how we react in the environment in which we live. For instance, the monk's fortune was not filled with accessories or wealth, his fortune lied within his heart. In truth, that is the true aspect of wisdom. Coming to the consensus of what you can control and achieving self-acceptance with the person you can become by living in the present moment. He loved himself. Therefore, he treated others as he did himself. He was non-competitive. Which is difficult for us to understand due to the elaborate systems of our society. We are our own being. We are unique from one another. But only when we make that choice. And that choice is VERY hard. It's lonely. It's painful when you work hundreds of hours on a project and no one in society hears or cares about it. Everyone has their own path. We are all alone. The speed of our lives gives us no time to reflect on our own accomplishments and rarely we are satisfied with the work we do ourselves when it goes unrecognized. I had to die in order to understand the importance of self-acceptance, love, compassion, and truth. My failures molded me to the person I have become today. My best-self is different from your best-self. I love myself. I love my values. And whether people listen to my creative work or not, doesn't matter. The music puts me in the present and exemplifies the unlimited potential I have inside it's realm. I do believe in my art. I believe my art will someday paint a picture for the world to see my vision of what happiness really is. And to me, it's the monk meditating in the Buddhist Monastery on the corner of Bancroft & Mckinley.







What is music to you? What does it give you?

Music curates a sense of purpose of my life that allows me to inhibit my mind to the present in addition to curating a universe that is mysterious unless I journey myself through it. The beauty lies in the unknown. I have grown substantially over the past year in skill and am seeking to connect similar minded individuals to collaborate and create a project together.

What is your music dream?

I dream that my music provides service to the world. That it enables someone to pursue their passions and dreams to achieve individual greatness. I want to advocate for those who stand outside the box.

If you could change the world - what would you start with?

The first step I would take is providing resources to those who do not have them (food, water, shelter, etc.). I would also eliminate excess waste to combat climate change.

Which is the most memorable song from your childhood?

Lose Yourself Eminem

Who are your favorite musical artists or bands?

So many, however, I would put Kendrick Lamar at the top of my list.

What inspires you to make music?

My inspiration is rooted from how artists have impacted my life. It would be a blessing if I could do the same for others.

What is the message you want to send with your music?

I want to be the espresso for my audience that excites them to not only be themselves, but to believe that their individuality can make a difference in the world.

How do you feel when you perform in front of an audience?

Haven't done so yet, but if I do I will probably blackout.

How do you see the musicians’ reality nowadays? What could be improved?

Musicians come in all different forms. Systematically we envy the artists who are successful, famous, and wealthy. There is too much obsession over money being the identification of success. Success comes in all different forms. There isn't necessarily anyway in improving it. I think this platform is a great example of how great of place music is in right now. We can form a community and collaborate unlike ever before. It is up to the individual to have awareness of the systematic environment.

What do you think of Drooble?

I am excited to grow with others in this wonderful community of the music industry.

What frustrates you most as a musician?

Being to judgmental of my work.

Do you support your local scene as a fan? How?

I need to and I appreciate you asking this question.

What qualities should a musician nowadays have in order to get their music heard by a larger audience?

The quality of self-care, gratitude, and respect towards others. The main quality I would argue is the musician is not doing this for individual accomplishment, but rather to have their music service others in a variety of ways.

Share some awesome artists that we’ve never heard of.

You have probably heard of everyone I will mention but myself! Arca, korruption, Yves Tumor, and I wish I knew more underground artists.